Recently, I attended a conference, and during a Q&A session, I noticed something: the questions were so long that they seemed like books being read aloud, and the answers were just as long. Additionally, each question related to a specific situation, and the answers didn't fully align since the expert wasn't in that particular situation. The result: a never-ending Q&A where only ten percent of the words spoken actually connected with each other.
What if I told you it could be different? For effective and efficient communication, there are a few key conditions:
You are aware of how you are listening.
You ask questions to gather as much information as possible.
Your answer includes a follow-up question.
Your answer conveys a sense of non-attachment.
Each of these four points could warrant its own blog post, but in this piece, you'll find the essence of all four.
You are aware of how you are listening
When you're in a conversation, who are you really listening to? Are you asking questions because they seem super interesting or fun to you? Then you're probably listening to yourself. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not ideal for having a productive and smooth conversation. Many of the questions in the Q&A stemmed from this perspective.
Are you asking questions because something your conversation partner says grabs your attention right now? Then you're probably listening to your partner. They trigger your curiosity, and you're genuinely interested in the content of their story. This often happens in brainstorming sessions or other creative conversations.
Do you know the phenomenon of asking questions based on that undefined feeling that comes up? Perhaps it's your conversation partner's body language or the tone of their voice. If this is the source of your question, you're listening to your surroundings, and you'll notice that your partner shares more than when you ask questions from your own perspective.
All three of these forms are good ways of listening, but to communicate truly efficiently and ask good questions, you need to be aware of how you are listening in the moment.
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ou ask questions to gather as much information as possible
We all know them: the conversations that just don't take off. A lot of yes/no answers or responses that don't quite match your specific question. Ask yourself this: How long was my question? Was it closed or open?
With long questions, it's likely that the person who has to answer loses focus at some point. They don't hear your entire question and start formulating an answer in their head. If you then also ask a closed question, you often get a yes or no answer, possibly with additional information that may or may not be relevant. Try asking short, open-ended questions. Preferably seven words or less. You'll find that the answer is more general but contains more information that you can apply as it relates to you.
Your answers contain a follow-up question
It's easy to lose track of each other in a conversation. A cliché example: Your definition of freedom is probably not the same as mine. That's why it's wise to check periodically if you're really understanding each other. This is almost as easily done as it is said. Every now and then, try using phrases like: "Is it correct that you're saying...?" or "Is it correct that you need...?" You'll be surprised how quickly you're back on the same page and able to give a precise answer.
Your answer conveys a sense of non-attachment
Don't get me wrong; the goal isn't for people to misinterpret your answers. At the same time, it's good to be aware that you don't have the absolute truth when it comes to a question. Therefore, the recipient should be free to determine what information is relevant to them and how they can best apply it to their situation. Once you share information with them, it's no longer "your property" but part of the public domain. They now have the right to decide how they want to use it. This means you have to let go of your own interpretation and intent, no matter how difficult that may be.
Do you want to grow in your communication? You can schedule a conversation with me here. If you want to read more about body language, you can click here.
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